I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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