I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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