I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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