3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
