Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
