i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
