totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
