Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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