i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
