I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need to calm my uterus...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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