if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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