i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
