I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
