the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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