why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
