so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
