i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize