i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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