Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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