Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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