you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize