Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
