thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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