I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
