I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
