sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
we're so committed to being not committed
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
