she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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