Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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