He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
