I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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