I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
