I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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