dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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