Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
