That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
