i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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