Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
