Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
