I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
