i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
