I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
