My Higher Power is John Stamos
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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