my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize