even my farts smell like vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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