Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
