I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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