he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
