my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The power of my boobs compel you
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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