we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
