I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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