Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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