just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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