we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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