Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
