i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
